So my last post made me laugh! I always have good intentions but finding the time (and lets not lie) the motivation to write is hard. It’s one of those things that I’m like “god damn I wish I could do that” and a little voice in my head says “well practise makes perfect” and then for that moment I’m all pumped up to write every day. But in reality it doesn’t happen. So this time no promises, just a little update!
I can’t believe its June already! Where does the time go?? So whats new?
Well, I’ve got a boyfriend and its got to the point where I feel that I should actually call him my boyfriend. And it’s going really well. I mean I know I don’t have much experience in happy healthy relationships, but I think that maybe, this is one. We don’t really fight. Sometimes we have disagreements but they are minimal. I’m working on some BAD habits, like freezing him out and refusing to engage with him when I’m mad at him. This is definitely one picked up from old relationships, and its just my immediate reaction when someone hurts me (and I’m easily hurt by those who I’m close to.) But with him it rarely ends in a great row. Instead he gently tries to talk to me, creates small talk and eventually when I realise he isn’t going to bite I realise we’d be having a nicer time if I either said something or let it go. And getting upset when we want different things (generally that he needs space) I’m trying to respect his wishes and if they upset me instead focus on the fact they are what HE needs.
I’m also riding horses, and I actually kind of feel, like I could maybe say that I can ride a horse. Almost. I see the others trusting me more, and I’m riding a wider variety of the horses. The other day I did a publicity photo shoot for an event we were going to, on a horse sidesaddle!
Jubal is rowing by the second. He is a proper little person now, he runs and climbs everywhere and says hiiiiiiiiiiii. Although “hi” is pretty much all he says we can still have conversations. They quite often go like this:
Jubal: Grunt! *Points at something he wants but isn’t allowed – batteries, glasses, rolls of thread etc etc*
Me: No, not that we’re going to go outside!
Jubal: Grunt!! *Continues to point*
Jubal: *Stops pointing but looks at me*
Jubal: *Runs and gets shoes brings them to me to put on*
You can get the jist.
Oh and yes Anastasia came to stay recently! It was good to see her, she taught me some super cool silks stuff that I am excited to try!!
April was a little but of a non month! It started well. It did not come in with the anger of march but started with gentle warmth and positivity.
But i did not capitalise on this gains. Spring had arrived! The hedgerows are greening, the lambs are playing in the fields. But all this new life was not inspired in me. I felt I was dragging my feet through mud, slogging onwards with not a lot to took forward to!
And now all of a sudden it is May! and time has passed and things have changed and I have hardly noticed. We have a new cat (Albert) – renamed Big Daddy, another Tom Cat for Moccasin to compete with, but they seem to get on. Two new horses (Frankie and Charlie) renamed or Frank and Champion.
The other helpers have arrived and suddenly I am bumped up the food chain and expected to know what to do with two other people. And to my surprise – I kind of do. I understand where things are, what to get to do things, and what jobs need doing!
But these things have slipped by unnoticed and I have been letting myself down (or so I feel) I have been neglecting silks and yoga and blogging and time for me. So may is going to be about trying to balance working, and achieving things in work and also just for me.
One of those aims is to blog more. To not worry if it’s perfect and just get it out there! So here it is!
The first time I heard the term pansexual was when I was around 15. A girl in my school came out as pansxual, in a post on facebook (I think) and she claimed it had been the hardest 5 days of her life. I didn’t know what pansexual meant a friend described it as: you fall in love with who you fall in love with. To which I answered “Well isn’t that just everyone?” My friend then explained that it also meant you didn’t care what gender that person was. This made slightly more sense to me, but internally I still thought – ‘Well isn’t that just anyone, even people who think they are straight could change their mind if they fell in love with someone of the same gender.’ Externally I said; “Well that’s just being bisexual.”
I can forgive 15 year old me for this.
At 15 I had a limited understanding of gender, and of the fact that there are more than 2 genders. I also thought I was straight, I wanted to emulate bisexual girls and WANTED to be bisexual but felt I didn’t deserve the label. In hindsight I had a bit of a crush on certain girls but I remember asking myself what’s the furthest I WOULD ever go with a girl. I knew I would kiss girls, I already had, but I decided as the thought of an actual vagina didn’t turn me, I wasn’t attracted to girls and therefore I would never give a girl head, and didn’t deserve the title bisexual.
As you can imagine at 15 I had little experience (although it didn’t feel like it at the time) with the genitals of either sex. Penises were gross and didn’t turn me on either but I accepted this as “normal” and even though I wasn’t really that into penetration I thought that I was “wrong” in some way and I would grow to like it with time.
But at 22 I feel the same way. And I think perhaps it’s time that changed! The other day a video popped up on my newsfeed about pansexual pride and despite myself now defining as pansexual. I felt the same as I did at 15, that being pansexual isn’t a valid “queer” definition that pansexuals and by extension me don’t belong in the LGBT community.
I started defining as pansexual in the first year of university. I was suddenly in a much more liberal setting than I was used to and I met for the first time really, trans people, non-binary people, androgynous people, butch girls, femme girls, femme men, a whole variety of people of whom as I attempted to sort out who I was attracted to they didn’t sort neatly into categories. Throughout this I still only dated cis white males, I think because this was what I was used to, what I understood.
I was starting to understand the use for the term. I didn’t feel that I could claim to be bisexual, the furthest I ever went with a girl being kissing and still not being sure I wanted to be anywhere near a vagina. By this point though I had worked out that in fact I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anywhere near a penis either. The actual male genitals weren’t my thing.
Now I took me a while but I realised that it isn’t someone’s genitals I am attracted to. It’s the person, not in a “I need to get to know a person before I find them attractive” way. But in a I find a different thing on each person I’m attracted to that makes me attracted to them, it could be a physical trait or a character trait, or even an accent or mannerism. This is why at 15 when I first heard the term pansexual I didn’t understand. I thought everyone felt this way! Sure normally I’m attracted to men, but also I can be attracted to women, or people who don’t define as either. And if I fell in love with someone, well then I don’t think it would matter. This realisation is quite freeing of the feeling I should be straight.
But I still felt the sexuality I have isn’t a valid “queer” definition. For me it is perhaps because I have never felt victimised because of it. I have never had to “come out” in my group of friends because I am blessed that they accept whatever I want to define as. I am primarily attracted to men, or to masculine features. (Or think I am. I’m still working this bit out)
I have never “come out” to my family. I have mentioned that I don’t care whether the person is a boy or a girl to my sister but that is as far as I have ever come.
But this is the problem with labels! They divide us, they make us worry if we truly fit into a category when in fact it doesn’t matter, somewhere along the road I have internalised this “in-validity” exactly what the video I saw on facebook was trying to combat. So I’m so glad that I saw the video and that one of my good friends shared it because I might have finally managed to accept my sexuality, something I never even thought was an issue before!
It’s a name that has been floating around for years now and one of those films I always meant to watch.
But tonight as me and my best friend sat down to choose a film it popped up on netflix and there is no one else I would rather watch this with than her, because whatever happened, I had heard of the extremely long sex scenes, and it wouldn’t be awkward! So we started it, it was as I pressed play that I realised how long this film was. If you haven’t seen it, I warn you now, get comfy make sure you have some fluids and maybe a snack, because this film is a marathon not a sprint.
I was aware from the beginning I was watching an “artsy” film, and I couldn’t help but attempt in my own way to dissect it while watching it which I think distracted slightly from the plot.
But there were some things in the film that I LOVED.
I loved the actresses, and the hair and makeup. The way this film got so close to its subjects and they did not look perfect, they looked like me and you, although perhaps on a good day. I loved the tiny details such as Adele hiking up her jeans as she left the house every morning. It helped me to get lost in this world. It also helped us to follow the romance, the camera-work and shots really brought the beauty out of the actresses, the quirks of their faces when they smiled and this helped to drag you into the story.
I liked the use of food to show relation to social class. Food is a big importance in my life, and the drastic conflict between the two dinners showed the conflict in the relationship well. The collision of two worlds, one of culture, art and being exceptional and the other of getting by, and sticking to the norms.
I also appreciated the party at Emma’s where her friends where she served a cooked the food, her place in Emma’s world did not seem equal to Emma, she was serving her. She was trying too hard and was out of her depth in the situation. Food was also used as a sexual innuendo I’m not sure what it added.
But there were also some things that I didn’t like as much. Saying this though it was these things that provoked my thoughts, and are why I am writing this now.
Firstly of course the sex scenes. I joked while watching it that they were angry that there weren’t any lesbian sex scenes in mainstream films so they decided to put them all into this one film. Sitting there with my friend I have to say. It was awkward. There is pretty much nothing we don’t talk about / haven’t seen each other do, so I would say nothing could make us awkward but this managed. After about 3 minutes we just burst out laughing throughout the next FIVE minutes. But I had to wonder why are they so long??Is it to shove in our faces that we are uncomfortable as the viewer with lesbian sex. Because I did feel awkward as the viewer but I don’t have any problems with lesbian sex, although this was particularly intense. And who would feel awkward about watching lesbian sex? The over sexualisation of lesbians makes this scene some peoples wet dreams! I know there is an argument (I sometimes agree with) on taking art at face value and not delving deeper, but when I found out the director was a straight man I couldn’t help feel that this was his opportunity to put his fantasy into cinema and be praised for it.
The absolute obsession with blue (and in my opinion overuse) of the colour. I liked the small details of the blue colour on the fingernails of the first girl she kissed and I loved the reclaiming of the colour blue by blue dress at the end. But I hated the overuse, it distracted me again from the plot. But as I was a key part of the graphic novel I think this was a bad translation from the novel.
Then I have some problems with the plot. Or some points that I wanted to have resolution. There is no mention in the second half of the film of Adele’s family or friends. What happened? Is she still in the closet? Is she dating women or men? In a three hour movie I wouldn’t expect this many loose ends.
After watching the film I did some research and came across the plot if the graphic novel by which is was inspired and the plot of that sounds much more satisfying and leads me again to think about why the director changed it. And I tend to agree with the criticism that he changed it into his own daydream in which lesbian relationships cannot last and their relationships with men are what governs them. This can be seen in the film in the last scene where Samir runs after Adele as she leaves the art gallery Emma is showing at.
Lately something has been bugging me! It’s plastic. Every single piece of plastic ever made is still on the earth because it doesn’t breakdown. This is a known fact and therefore there is only one solution – don’t buy single use plastics!!!
I try, or I like to think at least, that I try to be as “eco” as possible. When travelling or especially workaway-ing I don’t have 100% control over my buying choices. The food I eat is given to me and bought by someone else. But at the moment I am buying my own food and I HAVE been buying single use plastics – almost without a second though! I want to improve on this.
So here I am writing this down to attempt to force myself to do it! While I don’t have control over my food I DO have control over my personal products.
Deodorant – Buy the solid, packing free deodorant from lush
Conditioner – Buy and use coconut oil (Ideally in glass of course!!)
Toothpaste – Buy in non plastic tubes for example from here: https://www.truthpaste.co.uk/shop
Facecream – Also find it in glass jars (or use coconut oil!)
I already have these things in plastic and I will use them up before I buy new ones, and as I do buy new ones (NOT IN PLASTIC) I will write about them! So look out for more in the future!
Now as you’ll probably remember I recently found all 7 Harry Potter books in charity shops for under £5 and set out to read them again. I have got to number 3. I know there are probably thousands of reviews of Harry Potter scattered across the internet, but truly the work of J.K. Rowling is incredible. Anyone who for some reason hasn’t red them. READ THEM NOW. Don’t watch the films, they are a poor copy of the original.
HPATPOA (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban) has to be one of the best of the series. My previous #1 was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (and when I re-read that I may change my mind again) but this book makes me feel so much.
It introduces two of my most favourite characters Lupin and Sirius, and the idea I ache for J.K to write another book about the most, the Marauders. This idea of a gang of boys who accept a werewolf into their mist captures my imagination so. Lupin is a character I love. He is kind, funny, selfless and brilliant. His character showcases the darker side of the wizarding world, the prejudices inside it.
The third book is the start of Harry growing up. He sees that Dumbledore cannot solves everything, he finds out and wonders more about his parents, he hears the prediction of Voldemort’s return to power.
It also showcases brilliantly the reason that there are 7 Harry Potters, because Rowling leaves us wanting more! We want to know more about Harry Parents, more about Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore and even why Snape hates them all so. She is a master at leaving us wanting more!
And perhaps it is just because of nostalgia but even knowing the story I couldn’t put the book down! I wanted to read straight to the end, I feel in love again with Lupin as he teaches Harry to deal with dementors and cried when Buckbeak and Sirius flew away.
It is also not just the main story that is so captivating but also the fullness of the world, Percy’s girlfriends Penelope, Wood and his obsession with Quidditch. The fact that all this magic is set in the familiar setting of school, with exams, the pure brilliance of each book being a school year.
2018 is here! As many of us do at the start of the year it’s time to start afresh to start new. I thought long and hard about this years new years resolutions and I’ve decided upon simply one. It’s perhaps not one you can measure, so hopefully I can’t pass or fail it but I can improve!
My aim for this year is to be more consistent! With my lifestyle I move around a lot and have to be flexible to fit into other peoples life styles. Which makes sense. But within this I need a greater consistency in myself! For example this blog! If I want to post once a week (my aim) I need to find the time to do such and be consistent about it.
To strive towards this goal I have started a few things. Firstly the app 1 second every day, so that I will do at least one thing every day! I’ve also started a mindfulness app, so although I won’t blog or journal every I will take a moment out every day.
I also have some more general once a day activities I wish to start:
Yoga every day! Just 10 minutes in the morning or before bed.
Eating 3 pieces of fruit every day.
No screens before bed! Reading or writing in my diary.
I have some other goals for this year as well from my bucket list:
To be able to do the splits
To see a whale in the wild
To monetise my blog
To set up an Etsy account and make a sale!
And finally take an online course in something i’m interested in.
Writing it all out it seems a lot. But I have a full 12 months to achieve them! I want to becoming more self disciplined so that I can achieve things I set out to do. I am very good at keeping to someone else’s schedule so it’s about time I learned to keep to my own!
For some reason a big part of my family pastime is charity shopping, car boot and jumble sale-ing. No-one in my family can resist a bargain and the feeling that you “discovered something” amongst another mans trash.
I believe in trying charity shops to buy whatever you require before turning to the mainstream stores. There is many reasons for this (mainly anti-capitalist) as we don’t need to make and consume more when we can re-use and recycle what is already around! You also give your money to a good cause rather than lining the pockets of corporations (or so I hope.)
So when the other day the urge hit me to re-read my beloved Harry Potter I decided that charity shops would be the best place to look. After-all its one of the best selling book series!
So me and my sister and her boyfriend set out on out bargain hunt adventure. At first it didn’t go so well, the selves were well stocked with the hunger games and a time travellers wife (both books worth a read, hit up your local charity shop for a copy!)
By in one charity shop my luck changed. The charity shop was having a book sale; hardbacks 25p and paperbacks were 10p. I spotted The fourth HP – The Goblet of Fire in a pile near the back and scoured looking for more. Sadly there weren’t any BUT it being the day after Halloween the nice women working there showered us in left over sweet!; Packs of skittles and Haribo and showed us pictures of them dressed up, we had made some new best friends. I paid my 25p feeling rather guilty that I think we had taken more from them in sweets than I had paid for the book.
This started my roll of good luck! In the next shop I spotted the second HP – The chamber of secrets. This time it was a whole £1.75 and I almost didn’t buy it before I reminded myself that REALLY REALLY, it wasn’t expensive.
With these books in hand we changed charity shopping location, moving to a different part of town and a whole new chain of charity shops. (For those who don’t charity shop, the shops tend to move in heards, lining the roadsides of the “near town” street where the rent is affordable.) The next charity shop had a huge stack of books and a sign that said 4 for £1. This was the jackpot. As we scoured the section we found the Seventh – The Deathly Hallows and the Sixth- The Half Blood Prince. We searched high and low for more but didn’t find any so I gave my sister the books and grabbed two more books to make up our 4 for a pound. Fat is a Feminist Issue and Red Dog. Or so I thought.
I paid a full £1 and feeling very close to having all 7 books in my possession became quite excited! We scoured the next two charity shops to no avail. But in the third! There were the books I needed! The Third- The Prisoner of Azkaban and the First – The Philosophers Stone, a little further along the shelf the final one I needed and Fifth (and in my mind the best) – The Order of the Phoenix! 1 and 3 cost me 49p each and 5 cost me 99p.
And that was it all 7 Harry Potters procured from charity shops for less than £5!! This gave me an idea the #charityshopchallenge! What can you buy from charity shops in one day! Book series, not just HP but others. Clothing sets- ski outfits, tennis outfits. A whole room outfit? A dinning set. A set of pots and pans? I still have to work out some details but I think the new viral challenge is here!!
When I got home and looked at my new purchases feeling very excited I did realise that instead of buying Fat is a Feminist Issue, by Sue Orbach. A book I was looking forward to reading! I had brought in my excitement a different book: Jesus the Man and the myth by James P Mackey. Not quite what I had in mind.
My best friends Mum tagged me in an internet challenge. The sort of thing that you are all up for when you are 12. But this one caught my attention.
Here’s the brief: Five days, Five black and white photos about your life, taken from the internet. No people, no explanation.
Now this peaked my interest, what would I post? So I decided to give it a go, a little self reflection in your day is an awesome thing.
Here are my photo’s, you’ll notice I broke the brief A LOT and in that same vein a little explanation of what the photo means to me.
Day One was easy, the beautiful sea. I grew up on an island, swimming in the sea in all seasons was a key part of my childhood. Swimming whens its hot is the only thing I want to do! I grew up always knowing the edge of where I was, clearly defined boundries of cliffs plunging to sandy beaches and out onto the wide wide sea. The sea is awesome, it’s strength is awesome, you must respect that the sea could drag you out and drown you. But you don’t need to be scared simply respectful!
Day two was a little more difficult, where I’m staying at the moment I’m constantly having my beliefs challenged in discussion and therefore day two is a little row of paper people holding hands. I at this point was still trying to play by the rules so these little people represent the interconnections I feel to other humans; to women, men, those who don’t know, those who are in between, to rich, poor, to all races and nationalities. I had the good luck to be born in 21st century England but not everyone did. That does not mean they are worth and more or less than me.
It also represetns people, if there is something to me that I beleive in that makes life worth it, its the people you meet. It’s my family, it’s my best friends, its the people I meet travelling. I love being around people and the connections of them hold me up, just like this little chain!
Day three was where it got tricky, I had no idea how to convey in a photo with no people the idea of motherhood and femininity. So I cheated, yes it’s a drawing and yes there’s a woman in it. Mother earth. My goal in life, the only goal that I have really ever had, is to be a mother. It’s something I’m not all to comfortable talking about because I feel that in some way it’s tempting fate. The conditions to become a mother have to be quite specific and I worry that IF the time comes, it won’t work. But I am a caretaker to my friends, or other peoples children. I want to be the caretaker of all of animals and the world and everything. And mother earth is the goddess of all mothers, of course and represents how you can be typically feminine while still kicking ass!
Day four was politically oriented, after a discussion the night before about how feminists are victims and complainers I felt a snowflake was needed. For I am from generation snowflake and hell yeah I’m a snowflake!! I really like the analogy of snowflakes, because each of us is an individual, each of of us is delicate and unique but also like snow there is a fuck tonne of us. Just because I think I am a precious snowflake does not mean that I don’t also realise that there are millions of us. It does not mean I don’t realise I’m so lucky to be this snowflake. I don’t think that millennials are too sensitive to discuss things but perhaps there are times I simply don’t want to discuss things! Don’t ram your views down my throat. Especially in the case of a perceived injustice, if I live with a problem, the patriarchy, then I live in a society that accept your point of view and if I don’t want to have to debate and discuss your view that you don’t think sexism exists but I experience it every day of my life then perhaps I don’t want to discuss it.
Day five was less angry. It’s a drawing of hair. I have long curly hair that ends up in many different colours and iterations. Quite often a haircut or change of colour is a sign to me that I’m starting something new. It’s interesting how hair can be a big part of your identity. My curly, and normally blonde hair is a big part of mine. The relationship between hair and a woman’s power is something that I am trying to put my finger on at the moment. In many TV shows it is a sign of a woman loosing her dignity. [Spoiler alert, OITNB, GOT] Red’s hair being cut of in the latest season of Orange Is The New Black and of course Cersi Lannisters’ loss of her beautiful hair to the religious nuts of Kings landing. Many women who choose to have sort hair are seen as subversive, guys don’t like sort hair, you must be a lesbian. I don’t think at this point I would ever cut my hair, I grew it myself but I’m still working out my attachment to it.
Interestingly at the end of this the thing that stood out to me the most was that I find femininity an important aspect of me. That’s what I learned from this. I have never really considered that I thought myself that feminine in the traditional sense but clearly it’s important to me!